RENT in 17 Minutes!
by Da Phoenix 13
Summary: RENT gets 17 Minutesified! A sort of CliffsNotes version of everyone's favorite AIDS musical.


This is my attempt to summarize the Rent movie in as short a time as possible. Not something to be taken seriously... please enjoy!

Disclaimer: I'm still alive, so I can't very well be Jonathan Larsen, can I? Plus if I really was him, I'd probably know how to spell my own name correctly...

* * *

(The cast comes out onto a darkened stage) 

Everyone: (singing) A year's got a lot of minutes in it!

Mimi: I sure wish I could count that high!

Mark: (looking around) Wait… where are we? The high school auditorium? Should we be singing "Breaking Free" or something?

Troy: (comes on stage) Get out of here, you actual singers!! (dribbles basketball threateningly)

Roger: Oooookeaaaaaayyyyy… (all back away slowly, getting back to their sucky bohemian lives)

---

Mark: Merry Christmas, Roger! We're going to freeze to death!

Roger: Dammit Mark, why didn't you just pay the rent?!

Mark: Because a) I'm an anarchist who doesn't believe in working for pay; and b) if I did, there'd be no title for this musical!

Roger: Cool beans. (singing) I need to write a song with my geetar, but my fingers have frostbite since it's too frickin' cold in this apartment!

Mark: (singing) I'ma make a documentary about all our friends with AIDS!

Both: (singing) We got to pay some rent!

People on the street: (singing) We're all slackers who don't pay our rent!

Mark: Hey Roger, I have an idea. Why don't you sell yourself on the streets for some rent money?

Roger: Well, I have AIDS, so that'd hardly be ethical, would it?

Mimi: (on fire escape) Never stopped me!

Benny: (singing) Where's the rent, yous guys?

Mark and Roger: (singing) We don't know what you're talking about…

Benny: (singing) Ok, cool. Tell Maureen to cancel her protest, mkay? (stops singing) Hey, where is she anyway, Mark? You two still together?

Mark: (glowers) No, she left me for a woman.

(Benny and Roger laugh hysterically)

Mark: (singing sarcastically) You guys are the best friends EVER.

---

Collins: (singing in a filthy alley) Oh no, I got mugged, I think I'm going to cryyyyy…

Angel: (pops up singing) Hello baby, come to life support with meeeeee!

Collins: Sounds like fun. Are you guys going to sing any angsty rounds about life with AIDS?

Angel: Well, it'd probably make you uncomfortable since you don't have AIDS…

Collins: (whining) But I LOVE angsty rounds! And I do so have AIDS! (mutters) shows how much you know…

Angel: (squeals) I think we're SOUL MATES!!!

Collins: Hey, why'd we stop singing?

Angel: Because we're in the movie, not on the stage.

Collins: I was wondering why we're all ten years older than we're supposed to be!

---

Mark: Where the frick is Collins? I'ma look for him. Take your AIDS drugs now!

Audience: OK, we get it. They all have AIDS.

Mark, Maureen, Joanne, Benny, and half the extras: No we don't!

Roger: (singing) I have AIDS, my life is fail, I have to write a sooong…

Audience: But he just wrote one! I say he sticks with this one and doesn't bother with stupid "Your Eyes"…

Mimi: (enters singing) What up, hot washed-up rock star? Come light my candle (wink wink).

Roger: (singing) What's… what's up with that winking? You got something in your eye?

Mimi: (singing) I like drugs! Check out a-my butt!

Roger: (singing) Ok… you're crazy. Please go away and take your drugs with you… your beautiful, delicious drugs… (drools)

Mimi: (singing) Okaaaaaaay! (leaves)

---

Collins: I decided to actually show up now, guys!

Roger: (AIDS angst)

Mark: About frickin' time, Collins! Gimme that vodka!

Angel: (enters singing) Guess what, everyone? I'm a drag queen!

Collins: Isn't she beautiful? And just listen to her angelic tenor!

Phone: Oi, Markypoo! Come fix my stuff for me, pookie!

Mark: (sigh) That's Maureen. She's taking advantage of my brokenheartedness. Again. But I'm her bitch, so I'll go!

Angel: (to Roger) Hey angst boy, you want to come to life support?

Collins: But… I thought that was OUR thing! (sniffs)

Roger: No, I thought I'd stay here and freeze to death instead before the AIDS gets me… besides, I can't stand angsty AIDS rounds.

---

Mark: Ok Maureen, I'm ready to fix your… (sees Joanne) …You're not Maureen…

Joanne: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Mark: Well, I think I hate you, but let me warn you about Maureen anyway. (sings) She'll totally break your heart, because she's a ho-bag!

Joanne: (sings) Yeah, you're probably right. Let's tango!

(Joanne and Mark tango in a dream sequence)

Maureen: (calls Joanne) Oh pookie…

Joanne: (suddenly paranoid after tangoing with Mark) What? Pookie?! That's not your pet name for me!

Maureen: Oh… right… heh heh heh. Gotta go! (hangs up)

Mark: Toldja so.

---

Mimi: (singing half-naked) I'm an exotic dancer! I think I'll stalk Roger tonight. Cause I gotta go… Ow-oooooooooooooooooot! Tonight.

Roger: Hey, you're half-naked… and you brought drugs! (drools) I mean… (singing) Dammit woman! GTFO of my crappy freezing apartment!

Mimi: (singing) But… no day but today!

Roger: (singing) I mean it! Go away!

Mimi: Hey Angel, Mark, Collins! Come help me sing some sense into this boy!

Mark: It'll never work, but…

Mimi, Mark, Angel, and Collins: (sing) No day but todayyyyyy!

Roger: (singing) I don't even know what that meanssssss!

---

Collins: (singing on the subway) Hey guys, let's go to Santa Fe!

Roger: …Why?

Collins: Because "Albuquerque" doesn't fit in the song as well.

Angel: You're so right, baby! (gazes lovingly at him)

Collins: (sings) Oh Angel!

Angel: (sings) Oh Collins!

(they kiss)

Audience: Yay!

Homophobes: (retch)

---

Roger: (sees Mimi outside the performance space) Hey Mimi, you still want to go on a date with me?

Mimi: Not really, no.

Roger: But… but you said "no day but today"!

Mimi: Yeah, _yesterday_.

Roger: (mutters) Damn movie timeline… (angst) So that phrase isn't secret code for "Please date me, desperate hot emo musician neighbor"? (cries loudly)

Mimi: Well, I can't stand you looking so pathetic… fine, hot neighbor, I'll go to the crappy bohemian café with you after the whacked-out protest!

Maureen: Dis here my protest! (singing) Diet Coke! Mickey Mouse! Jump over the moon! Mooooooooo!!!!

Random Person: I don't… I don't understand it!!!! (goes nuts)

Cops: Uh-oh, crazy alert! (attack all protesters)

Mark: (filming) This will make some great B roll footage for my dairy industry exposé!

Maureen: Mark. You. Idiot. It was a complex metaphor! It's not my fault if you're too dumb to understand it…

Joanne: I didn't get it either.

---

Maureen: (at Life Café) Oh thank God, none of you got arrested!

Mark: Well, of course not. We couldn't sing a tribute to bohemia from inside a jail cell, now could we?

Benny: (sings) Y'all are fools. Mark, why didn't you sell out Maureen already?!

Mark: (sings) Because I'm cool! (grins, waiting for everyone to agree with him)

(everyone avoids looking at Mark)

Mark: (glowers, then sings) I love being poor! It's so much better than selling your soul for rent money!

Everyone but Benny: (sings) Yay urban poverty!

Mimi: (sings) Yo, what up, lame neighbor? What's up with you caressing that guitar all night instead of caressing _me_?

Roger: (sings) Sorry, I was trying to write a song about AIDS. Which I have.

Mimi: (sings) Me too! I think we should be soul mates.

(they look lovingly at each other)

Roger: (sings) Oh Mimi!

Mimi: (sings) Oh Roger!

(they kiss in the snow)

Everyone: (spies on them) Yay, now Roger can be less emo!

Mimi and Roger: Shut up! (cuddle)

Everyone: (sings) Yay bohemia! (strike a pose)

---

Cast: (coming back from New Year's) La de da de da… OMG WTF?!

Door: (is padlocked)

Angel: Whatever, let's break in! (smashes padlock with a trashcan)

Collins: That's so hot!

Mark: Benny evicted us just because we haven't paid the rent in over a year! Can you believe the nerve of that guy?!?

Maureen: Well Mark, there's only one thing you can do.

Mark: I can't sell myself on the streets! No one would buy me since I'm so nerdy-looking…

Joanne: I think she means sell your soul, not your body.

Mark: But, dammit, I became a bohemian so I wouldn't have to do that!

Maureen: Pleeeeeease? (bats her eyes)

Mark: (eyes turn into cartoon hearts) Okay!

---

Alexi: (in deep Satanic voice) Give me your sooooooul…

Joanne: He'll do it!

Mark: But the… you… whadda… eh?

Maureen: Hi receptionist! Flirt flirt flirt!

Joanne: WTF Maureen! You keep cheating on me!

Maureen: Well, I have an idea how to fix that. Let's get married!

Joanne: Oh Maureen!

Maureen: Oh Susanne!

Joanne: …That's close enough! (they kiss)

Mark: Now I'm even _more_ depressed!

---

(there is a fancy schmancy wedding reception)

Joanne: Oh Maureen, I'm so happy… Maureen?!

Maureen: (tickling female bartender under her chin) Oh pookie!

Joanne: Gasp! We've only been in a domestic partnership for half an hour and you're _already cheating on me?!?!?_

Maureen: (singing) But pookie, you know I have problems with commitment!

Joanne: (singing) Then why'd you agree to go through with marriage?!

Maureen: (singing) Just accept me and my whorishness!

Joanne: (singing) Never!

Maureen: (singing) Well in that case, I hate you and your need for monogamy!

(they break up dramatically)

Maureen's Mom: Hey Mark, you want to date my daughter again now?

Mark: Not really, I think she's already hooked up with that bartender…

---

(their stuff is back in their apartment)

Benny: Mimi talked some sense into me, guys. But I'd still like you to sell out to me for some reason or other!

Mark: Too late, Buzzline already owns a time share of my soul. (gives him money) Here, here's your stupid rent. Are you happy now?! _Are you?!?!?_

Benny: Pretty much. Now we can abandon this whole stupid rent plotline!

Roger: Ahem. Mimi. Did you sleep with Benny?

Mimi: Um… maybe?

Benny: So _that's_ how I got that rash!

Mimi: And AIDS… never mind.

Roger: Mimi, I can't take being around you anymore. (leaves)

(Mimi looks after him wistfully)

Mimi: (singing) And now like eight months pass after the entire first act was based around a week. Or maybe it was a day. It's all so confusing. Oh, I miss Rooogerrrr…

Roger: (singing) I miss Mimiiiiii…

Angel: (singing) I'm dyingggg…

Collins: Oh Angel!

Angel: Oh… (dies)

Collins: Dammit, AIDS!

Audience: (sobs openly)

---

(at Angel's funeral)

Mark: Should I refer to Angel as a man or a woman? I'm so confused…

Collins: (singing) I'm so saddddd!!!! Now I'll die alone!!!!!!!!!!!

Mimi: (singing) Roger, are you really going to Santa Fe?

Roger: Yup! The song made it sound so appealing…

Mark: So if we had sung about Albuquerque after all, would you be going there now?

Roger: Probably. I'm easily persuaded.

Maureen: (singing) I still hate you, Luanne!

Joanne: (singing) See, this is why we broke up! You can't freaking remember my name!!

Mimi: (singing) Roger, I loooove you!

Roger: (singing) Then why the hell'd you sleep with Benny?!

Collins: (singing) Dammit kids, stop messing up Angel's funeral with your squabbling!

(everyone storms off angrily)

Mark: (grins) Don't worry Collins, you still got me!

Collins: (runs)

Mark: (mutters) Why does everyone keep _doing_ that?

---

Roger: (singing) Santa Fe sucks after all. Collins is a liar!

Mark: (singing) I miss Roooooger…

Roger: (singing) I miss Mimiiii…

Mark: Why the hell don't you miss me, roomie?

Roger: Because we had that huge fight!

Mark: …When?

Roger: In the… deleted… scene… (scowls) Stupid editors!

Mark: But yay, you're back now! You can help me pay the rent! Even though you're the one who's unemployed and I'm the one who's at least had a soul-sucking job for most of the past year!

Roger: Well, actually, I just came back for Mimi. I was running away from you nagging me to take my AZT.

Mark: But, Mimi's kind of… gone.

Roger: Well, crap. Guess I left that New Mexican paradise for nothing then.

---

Benny: Where's Mimi? Where's Mimi? Where's Mimi?

Joanne: (overlapping) We've got to find Mimi! We've got to find Mimi! We've got to find Mimi!

Maureen: (overlapping) Diet Coke. Mickey Mouse. Mooooooooo.

Mark: My movie's done! Quitting my job at Buzzline really freed up a lot of my time. Plus, now my soul's all my own, and I can't speak Parseltongue or see into Voldemort's head anymore!

Collins: …What?

Mark: I mean, er… I don't have to see into Alexi's head… yeah…

Roger: And I wrote a crappy song! …I mean a wonderful song. That's supposed to be my life's legacy.

Joanne and Maureen: OMG you guys we totally found Mimi!!!

Mimi: I'm like, totally dying! LOL!

Roger: Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!! You can't die until I sing my crappy song to you!

Mark, Joanne, Collins, and Maureen: (run for cover)

Roger: (singing… though at least on-key) Your eyessss… are shaped like piesssss… in disguiseeeeee… I don't liessssss… surpriseeeeeeee!

Mimi: (wakes up) OMFG shut up!

Everyone: Yayyyyyy!!! She lives!!!!!!!!!

Mimi: I saw Angel, Collins!!

Collins: (sarcastically) Oh, thank you SO MUCH for bringing that up again.

Mimi: You're welcome! Anyhoo, she said, "Turn around, girlfriend, and tell that boy to never sing that song again!"

Roger: But pookie-face, I wrote the song for you!

Mimi: I wish you'd written "One Song Glory" for me then…

Mark: Yay, a happy ending!

Collins: (indicating himself, Roger, and Mimi) Except we're still dying of AIDS. And I'm loveless.

Roger: And we're still dirt poor and starving.

Mimi: And I'm still on heroin!

Maureen: And Diane and I are still having problems! (Joanne glares at her)

Mark: (tantalizingly) But I finished my mooooooooovieeee…

Everyone: Then life's good! (sing) No day but tooooodaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!

Roger: (singing) I still don't understand that phraaaaaaaase…

Mark: (singing) That's because you're a retard who thinks "Your Eyes" is a good song.

Angel: (in the movie) Check out me being graceful!

**END!!!!**


End file.
